Love and Robots
by Ri2
Summary: Grimlock believes that he has finally found the woman of his dreams, a femme every bit as badass and strong a warrior as he, a perfect mate for him. Unfortunately, there's a little something she hasn't gotten around to telling him... A birthday present for my good friend HVK.


The following story is a birthday present I decided to write for my good friend and longtime reader, HVK. It takes place in an alternate universe of his own devising where the Crystal Gems are and have always been an offshoot of the Transformer race, and Grimlock is apparently living on Earth. I'm not entirely clear on much else aside from that, since his 'verse is still largely in the works, but I believe it's good enough for the purposes of this story. I hope you enjoy it, especially you, birthday boy, if you're reading this. Happy birthday, HVK!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me.

…

It was a nice, sunny day in Beach City. It had been a surprisingly calm and placid week, and no giant monsters or alien invasions had threatened to destroy the city. A few of the citizens were starting to get a little antsy about that and were wondering when the other shoe would drop, but for the most part they were trying to get the most of the unusually peaceful week before the next Big Thing inevitably happened.

The Crystal Gems were taking advantage of this downtime as well. After finishing up a routine patrol of the Galaxy Warps and making sure none of the other hated Homeworld Gems were going to try and invade the planet through them, they decided to play a game of Stevenball, a game of the young half breed Steven Universe's own devising.

"Wheeeeee! This is so much fun, you guys!" Steven cried as he soared through the air, spinning head over heels and end over end as he rolled about the big pink force field bubble generated by the rose quartz gemstone in his navel.

With a fierce grin, Amethyst, the shortest and squattest of the Gems (not that that really meant a lot, considering that the average Gem was still at least the size of a house, given that they're all semi-crystalline alien robots from _deep_ _space_) leaped into the air, her gemstone–studded whip materializing in her hand. "I'm gonna beat you this time, Garnet!" She declared, lashing out with the whip, striking the side of Steven's bubble as he flew towards her and knocking him back towards her opponent. "79th time's the charm!"

"Wahoo!" Steven cheered as he was flung back through the air.

Garnet, the tallest, most powerful, and leader of the Gems (who also habitually sported a bitchin' set of shades and a wicked awesome metal Afro) smirked as her mighty gauntlets materialized over her hands. "I foresee many futures, Amethyst… And you winning isn't one of them!" She uppercut Steven's sphere upwards just before he could fly into her, then leaped hundreds of meters into the air to intercept the ball, twirling around and spiking the orb back towards the ground and the waiting Amethyst.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahooooooooooo!" Steven hollered, his skin peeling back from his face from the sheer G-forces of his flight.

The slender and elegant Pearl, who was supposed to be serving as referee, fidgeted nervously, noting with concern that the air around Steven's bubble was starting to catch flame. "Are you sure we should be playing this game? I think it's starting to get a little…_dangerous_ for Steven… Force field aside, his frail human body really isn't meant for the sort of stresses our much more durable Gem frames can withstand!"

"Relax, Pearl, we've got everything under… Oh, heya Grimlock! How you doing?" Amethyst called, turning to wave at the approaching giant mechanical dinosaur man as he trudged towards them from further down the beach, completely forgetting that she was supposed to catch and/or knock Steven away from the ground. The screaming semi-human boy impacted the ground hard enough to crater it, throwing up a massive plume of sand. "Whoops."

"STEVEN!" Pearl screamed, rushing towards the cloud of dust.

As the sand settled, a dazed and dirt-covered Steven staggered out of the crater. "Uhhhhh… I'm okay everyone… But why are there three of you, Pearl? Are you making holograms of yourself again?"

"Oh, thank goodness you're all right!" Pearl exclaimed, kneeling down to hug the dizzy boy. She glared angrily up at Amethyst and Garnet as the latter landed. "Honestly, you two, why do you persist in playing such dangerous and reckless games with him?!"

Amethyst shrugged. "Because it's fun."

Garnet nodded. "Indeed. Also, that's 80-nothing, Amethyst."

"Dang it!"

"Um… Is this a bad time? I can always come back later…" Grimlock said uncertainly.

"Nah, I think we were just about done anyway," Steven said as he finished regaining his equilibrium. "What's up, big guy?"

Grimlock coughed and fidgeted nervously. Steven frowned and regarded the giant robot T-Rex with puzzlement. He wasn't sure he'd EVER seen Beach City's other resident giant robotic alien life form look so unsure of himself. And why did he have one arm behind his back? "Well…um… You see…"

"Did you find some Decepticons or monsters or Homeworld Gems?" Amethyst asked, looking disturbingly eager at the prospect. "Because it's been WAY too quiet around here, it's about time things got shaken up again!"

"AMETHYST! That's a horrible thing to say!" Pearl cried, aghast.

" What? You were thinking it too!" Amethyst protested.

"I most certainly was not!" Pearl scoffed, indignant.

"No, it's nothing like that," Grimlock said, fidgeting again. "It's… It's like this… Oh boy…" He took a deep breath, then looked down at his free hand, optics screwed up in concentration as he tried to read whatever he had presumably written there. "Garnet, you're… One dynamite gal… I've been all over the galaxy and met and fought lots of femmes… But none of them have been anything like you… The first time you punched me because you thought I was going to eat Steven, I knew it was love… Will you be mine?"

The four Gems (well, three Gems and Steven, depending on how you look at it) stared at Grimlock for a long time. "… Yeah, I think I would've preferred Decepticons or monsters or Homeworld Gems," Amethyst said after a moment. "It would've been way less awkward."

"I… May actually agree with you… Oh dear…" Pearl said, rubbing her forehead.

Steven blinked. "Wait, does he not know-"

"Let him finish," Garnet said.

"… To show you how much I like you… I have this present here…" Grimlock said laboriously. A look of relief crossed his face as he realized he'd finished reading from his script, and he took out the object he'd been hiding behind his back.

They stared at it in horror and disbelief. Pearl quickly covered a complaining Steven's eyes. "Is that… a severed head?!" Amethyst asked incredulously and more than a little excitedly.

"Yeah," Grimlock said defensively. "It's the head of the first Decepticon I ever killed. I kept it as a trophy! But you mean more to me than any trophy, Garnet, so I'm giving this to you as a symbol of my affections… Or something… I'm pretty sure that's how this works, right?"

"Usually, you're supposed to give a girl flowers, jewels, and chocolate," Steven said helpfully.

Grimlock snorted. "HUMAN girls, maybe! Garnet isn't any puny Earthling female! She's a rough, tough, hard-boiled warrior, just like me! And besides, those gifts wouldn't do much for her anyway considering she's so big she could crush any flowers just by touching them, she already IS a jewel—sort of-and I don't think she can eat chocolate. Er… you can't eat chocolate, can you?"

"I could, actually, but I don't really like the taste," Garnett said, an amused look on her face.

"Ah! Well… Good, then," Grimlock said. "So, um, does that mean you'll…ah… Be the Queen to my Dinobot King?" He gave her a hopeful sharp-toothed grin.

Amethyst facepalmed. "Oh boy."

Garnet sighed. "Grimlock, I can't say that I'm not flattered but…"

"Yes?" Grimlock asked, suddenly looking extremely nervous and self-conscious.

"There's something you don't know about me," Garnet said.

"… Oh Primus, don't tell me you're a MECH!" Grimlock cried in horror. "Um, not that that's a PROBLEM or anything, I mean, I just thought your entire species were femmes and I'm just making things worse and-"

"Grimlock, relax," Garnet interrupted before he could work himself into a frenzy, lose control of himself, and go on a rampage that would destroy the entire town. Again. "I'm NOT a mech."

"Oh! Good," Grimlock said in relief.

"However…" Garnet held up her palms. The differently-colored jewels in them flashed, and with the distinctive noise of transformation, her body split right down the middle, each half reconfiguring itself in a flurry of metal and crystalline parts into two smaller feminine figures, one red and having Garnet's distinctive metal Afro, the other blue with much longer hair covering most of her face and more feminine features and armor plating.

Grimlock stared at the duo standing before him in disbelief. "You're… You're a combiner?!"

The smaller Gems shrugged. "Pretty much, yeah," they said in unison.

Grimlock looked at the others incredulously. "Why didn't any of you tell me this?!"

Amethyst shrugged nonchalantly. "It never came up."

"The red one is Ruby and the blue one is Sapphire," Steven said helpfully.

"Hello," both Gems said.

"But if the two of you are combiners, then that means…" Grimlock cringed. "I… Don't suppose the two of you are sisters?"

"Afraid not," Ruby said apologetically, holding Sapphire's hand in a distinctively un-sisterly fashion.

Sapphire nodded. "We loved each other so much we decided we'd stay together forever. And so we became Garnet."

"Oh." Grimlock sagged. "I was afraid of that. I, uh, don't suppose you'd be interested in a third…?"

The duo shook their heads. "We're kind of exclusive, sorry," Ruby said.

"We've been together for so long, we can't really imagine sharing our Spark with anyone else," Sapphire said.

"Not like that stops you from fusing with the rest of us…" Pearl grumbled.

Ruby grinned. "That's sharing our BODY, not our Spark!"

Grimlock groaned. "Well, that's just great. Wish I'd known this beforehand, so I wouldn't have humiliated myself so thoroughly."

"Ha, yeah, you did pretty much completely and utterly embarrass yourself," Amethyst agreed cheerfully.

"Amethyst!" Pearl hissed.

"What? He totally did!" Amethyst insisted.

"Don't worry, Grimlock. We can still be friends," Sapphire said.

Ruby nodded. "Yeah, you're the best sparring partner we've had since Rose-" She fumbled, then continued. "Since a while! It'd be a lot harder to keep in shape without you!"

Grimlock managed a ghost of a smile. "Well… heh, yeah, you'd probably have gotten creamed by a monster long ago if I weren't here to keep you on your toes!"

"That's the spirit, big guy," Sapphire said warmly.

"And besides, a big strong Dinobot like you? You're sure to find someone awesome enough for you sooner or later!" Steven said, trying to cheer up his friend. "There's lots of Fishbots in the sea!"

Without warning, an amorphous, shapeless blue form with ever-shifting features surged out of the water nearby and started staggering towards the shore, moaning, "S…ste..Steveeeen…"

Ruby and Sapphire immediately fused back into Garnet. The Gems instinctively summoned their weapons and Grimlock drew his flaming sword. "It knows Steven's name! KILL IT!" Grimlock shouted.

"Sounds good to me! YAAAAHHH!" Amethyst cried, twirling her whip over her head.

They started to charge towards the groaning, stumbling figure…

But Steven ran in front of them, shouting, "STOP! It's Lapis Lazuli!"

The other Gems gasped and froze in their tracks. Grimlock stared blankly at them and at the figure trying to make it to shore, constantly slipping and struggling to stand. The creature seemed to have regained some measure of control over its—HER—appearance and pulled herself together somewhat, making it clear that she was a Gem like the others—being a big blueish humanoid metal and crystal woman made it rather obvious-but she seemed in pretty rough shape, her body constantly shifting between solid and liquid; bits and globs of her form sloughing off and struggling to remain cohesive. It put him in mind of a Mutacon that had been fatally wounded…which was a scary thought, since those things were supposed to be nigh-unkillable. "Friend or foe?" He asked uncertainly, not lowering his sword.

"She's the one who made the ocean disappear a while back," Amethyst said.

"Then foe!" Grimlock said, raising his sword.

"No," Garnet said.

Grimlock hesitated. "No?"

"No."

"Oh."

"She's a friend, who recently sacrificed herself to help us," Garnet said with a frown. "That she's back doesn't exactly bode well."

Lapis Lazuli managed a few more steps out of the surf and onto the sand before collapsing, gasping for breath, more and more parts of her liquefying. "LAPIS!" Steven cried.

He ran over and proceeded to begin… Licking her. (Yes, really. And no, it wasn't sexual or anything, he had healing spit. Yes, healing spit. I am not making this up. That's the kind of show this is.) As his magical cure-all saliva started to mend her severely damaged form, she gasped, "Steven… You have to… You have to get out of here…"

"Lapis, what's happened to you?!" Pearl asked in alarm. "The last we saw you, you fused with that awful Jasper into Malachite and dragged her to the bottom of the ocean!"

"Wait, when did this happen?" Grimlock asked in confusion.

"A few weeks ago, when that giant green hand-shaped spaceship from the Gem homeworld appeared," Pearl explained.

"…Wait, that was REAL?!" Grimlock shouted in disbelief.

The Gems stared at him. "… Why wouldn't it be?" Garnet asked.

"Lady, I see lots of things." He stared off into the distance. "Loooooooots of things."

"Lapis, what the heck happened to you?!" Amethyst demanded.

"And where's Jasper?!" Pearl asked anxiously.

"I'm… I'm so sorry," Lapis said with a shudder. "I… I tried… I fought her for so long… But I just…" She started sobbing. "I just wasn't strong enough… I held her off for as long as I could, but it wasn't enough… She's coming… Steven, you have to get out of here before–"

There was a muffled explosion, and suddenly a pillar of water erupted from the surface of the ocean further out to sea. Something arced through the air from the top of that pillar as the water subsided and crashed down onto the beach hard enough to crater it, much like before, but this time it wasn't from something as innocuous or adorable as a cute chubby kid in a pink bubble.

The figure responsible for the impact rose and turned to face them as the cloud of sand subsided, a psychotic smirk on her face. She somewhat resembled Amethyst, but was much taller, much more well-built and muscular, and her body was colored orange and red instead of purple. She also had a gemstone in place of a nose, rather than on her upper chest. "Well, ladies," she sneered, cracking her neck as all present tensed up. "Ready for round twooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-" She trailed off, eyes widening, her jaw going slack.

The Gems blinked in surprise. They exchanged confused looks. "Um…what's going on?" Steven asked.

"I'm… Not actually sure," said the confused Pearl.

"What, did she hit her head or something while the two of you were fighting?" Amethyst asked Lapis.

"Trust me, even being hit by a PLANET wouldn't do anything to her skull," Lapis grumbled.

"What's she looking at?" Asked Garnet with a frown.

"She's not looking at us?" Steven asked.

Garnet shook her head. "No, it looks like she's looking at…"

She paused, and then turned around to look at Grimlock. After a moment, so did everyone else. The big Dinobot was standing stock-still, optics wide, jaw dropped, a similar expression on his face as that which could be currently seen on Jasper's. The Dinobot and Homeworld Gem's gazes were locked.

After several moments, Pearl's eyes widened in disbelief. She facepalmed as an incredulous Amethyst started laughing hysterically. "Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me…"

"Ahahahahaha! Hahaha…Ha ha…AHAHAHAHAHA!" Amethyst laughed and laughed and laughed, doubling over and starting to cry she was laughing so hard.

A dumbfounded Garnet adjusted her shades. "I can honestly say that this is something I NEVER saw coming."

"What? What's going on?" Asked a very confused Steven.

This question seemed to snap the two incredibly intimidating and powerful warriors out of their mutual trance. Jasper shouted, "Rose Quartz, who is this incredibly handsome and virile paragon of sheer masculinity and warrior prowess?" at the same time as Grimlock asked, "Steven, who is this magnificent, radiant, stunning image of feminine beauty, power, and pure strength?"

Lapis faceplanted into the sand. (Not that that was hard, she was still wounded.) "Really? Her?! REALLY?!" Amethyst laughed even harder.

"Uh…" Steven fidgeted, feeling extremely awkward. "Well, um, Jasper, that's…uh… Grimlock. He's a Dinobot from planet Cybertron who happens to live out in the forest somewhere outside of town. Grimlock, this is Jasper. She's… uh, a Gem warrior or something from the Gem Homeworld who tried to capture and/or kill us all a few weeks ago because we were getting in the way of some big plot to destroy the planet or something."

"_Grimlock_," Jasper purred, as if the name was the most sensual and wonderful thing she'd ever heard.

"_Jasper_," Grimlock growled, an amorous and lovestruck expression on his face.

"…Is this REALLY happening?!" Asked an incredulous Pearl. Amethyst was now rolling on the ground, laughing so hard she was having trouble breathing. (Not that she actually needed to breathe or anything, but you know.)

"So it would seem," Garnet said.

Grimlock stomped over and held out the Decepticon head he'd tried to give to Garnet earlier. "This is all that remains of the first warrior I ever killed," he said. "I have kept it as a trophy for millions of cycles. It is yours now, along with my spark."

Jasper tenderly accepted the gift, her eyes watering and her face softening into an expression that looked almost… Happy. It looked _incredibly_ creepy on her face. "This is the kindest and most thoughtful thing anyone has ever given me," she said, hugging it to her chest. Her face fell as she met the Dinobot's eyes. "But… I have nothing to give you in return! All of my trophies from my many battles and conquests are back on the homeworld…except for…"

Her eyes lit up. "LAPIS LAZULI!" She shouted, causing the wounded Gem to jump and yelp in fright. "From this day forward, you belong to Grimlock!"

"Wh-what?!" Lapis stammered.

"Hey, she can't do that!" Steven protested.

"Just go with it," Garnet said.

"But-" Steven started.

"It's this or we all start fighting again," Garnet said.

"And of course I'M the one who has to make a great sacrifice AGAIN," Lapis groaned. "Why does the universe hate me so much?"

"I have many more trophies and prizes like that one, some even BIGGER, back at my lair," Grimlock said. "Would you care to see?"

"I'd LOVE to," Jasper said eagerly. "LAPIS! Follow along when you aren't so embarrassingly injured."

"Yeah. Sure thing, Jasper," Lapis muttered resignedly.

The Dinobot and Gem headed off down the beach, hand in hand. The others stared after them, blank looks on their faces. "…Did that really just happen?" Steven asked after minute.

"I think so, unless we're all sharing some sort of mass hallucination," Pearl said, a tone of faint hope in her voice.

"No such luck," Garnet said stoically. "Even so, that was…unusual, even for us."

"They make such a cute couple!" Steven gushed, stars in his eyes.

"Eh, I give it a week," Amethyst said.

One week later…

"Yep, told you it'd be a week," Amethyst said.

"I thought you meant it'd be a week before they _broke up_, not _got married_!" Pearl cried.

Sure enough, Grimlock and Jasper were getting married, despite only meeting each other a few days ago. They had both called in numerous friends and relations from their home planets to join in the occasion, who'd quickly converged on Beach City, much to the understandable dismay and panic of its inhabitants. (Ronaldo had been so excited by the massive 'alien incursion' he'd gone into conniptions and needed to be hospitalized, where hopefully he will finally receive the help he needs, that poor insane lunatic.) The wedding was being held outdoors, right in front of the Gem Temple, because there was nowhere else in town that could accommodate so many giant alien robots. The Autobots-and several of the local humans, who'd come out of curiosity to see what all the fuss was about—were seated on one side, and an equally large number of Homeworld Gems sat on the other, a red carpet separating the two groups of aliens. This was the first time there had been such a large gathering of representatives of both species in countless millennia, and several of the aliens exchanged glances across the aisle, clearly intrigued and curious and more than a little attracted to their counterparts. Garnet estimated the number of interspecies hookups that would result from this event would be rather high, though how many would actually stand the test of time she couldn't say. All of them were dressed in their Sunday finest—or the equivalent thereof, considering that most of the guests were from other plants that didn't necessarily have Sundays—and made for a colorful bunch what with all of the robes and holographic displays and glowing runic tattoos which apparently passed for high fashion out in the greater galaxy. The human guests, in standard suits and dresses, looked rather plain in comparison.

The Crystal Gems were seated in the front row of the Autobot's side, so had a very good view of the altar which had been set up just in front of the house they shared with Steven. Steven himself was not sitting with them, because he'd been asked to carry the bonding brush traditionally used in giant alien robot marriage ceremonies which newlyweds used to paint special runes symbolizing their union on each other in lieu of incredibly expensive rings which might not necessarily fit on their fingers anyway given the vast range of size and shape of digits possessed by both Transformers and Gems. (It was at least half again as large as Steven and very heavy.) He was standing a bit off to the side, next to his best friend/crush Connie, who had been allowed to be one of the mineral girls. (Basically the same as a flower girl, except giant alien robots don't tend to have flowers and scatter little fragments of minerals, metal, and crystal instead.) On the left side of the altar stood Grimlock, who looked positively regal in his cape, golden crown, glowing Cybertronian sigils, and fancy bow tie. Next to him stood his Best Mech, the Autobot Supreme Commander Optimus Prime, and his groomsmechs, the other Dinobots, all of whom looked surprisingly dignified for giant robots wearing suits or the equivalent thereof. Standing across from him was Jasper, wearing a ceremonial armored dress with only a few spikes and skulls from entities she'd slain in her many battles decorating it, and standing beside her was her maid of honor, her superior Yellow Diamond, and her bridesmaids Peridot and Lapis Lazuli, the latter of which did NOT look happy to be there, all of them looking positively radiant in their glittering gowns and armor. Standing behind the altar, the sacred Covenant of Primus open before him, was the venerable Alpha Trion, Chief Archivist of Iacon, one of the last remaining members of the Original 13 Primes, and winner of Cybertron's Best Facial Hair award 25,690,235,690,256,263 years in a row. (Seriously, have you seen that beard and 'stache? They're FABULOUS!)

Greg Universe, Steven's father, was sitting next to the Gems, looking rather out of place and out of shape due to his rather sizable paunch not quite fitting into his old tuxedo. "This… This is so beautiful," Greg sniffed, eyes tearing up. "I always cry at weddings… They make me think… They make me think of… Oh, ROSE!" He burst into tears and buried his face in his hands. Garnet patted his shoulder very awkwardly.

"I still can't believe this is really happening," Pearl confessed. "I keep expecting this to be a dream, or am half expecting this all to be some sort of insidious plot of the Homeworld to get us to lower our guard… Though I can't really see how having one of their top warriors pretend to fall in love with and marry Grimlock could possibly help them conquer the Earth…"

"Well, _I_ can't believe that we're going to have Jasper as a neighbor!" Amethyst confessed. "I mean really, she is the WORST!"

"Well, look at the bright side, you two," Garnet said. "This marriage may not only help bridge the great gap the eons and vast gulfs of space have torn between our two peoples, but it may also mean the Homeworld Gems might mellow out and stop trying to conquer Earth or other planets."

"Do you really think so?" Pearl asked skeptically.

Garnet shrugged. "A week ago, I would've said no. On the other hand, a week ago I didn't expect Grimlock and Jasper to fall in love and decide to get married despite knowing each other for a ridiculously short amount of time."

"True," Pearl admitted.

"Hey girls, think I got a chance of scoring with that cute Dinobot over there? I think he likes me!" Amethyst said, grinning lasciviously at Swoop the pterodactyl, who was standing with the other Dinobot groomsmechs just in front of them. Swoop shuddered and pointedly tried not to look at her.

"We'll… Talk about it later," Pearl said awkwardly.

"Dearly beloved, children of Primus of two worlds, we are gathered here today to celebrate a great union… Not only a union of the Spark, a bond forged by the love between these two great warriors before me, but hopefully one which shall at long last bridge the gap between our two peoples, who were torn apart and forced to evolve down very different paths when the great Rust Plague forced us to destroy the galaxy-spanning space bridge network and separate our many far-flung colony worlds from each other and from Cybertron itself," Alpha Trion said.

"See? He thinks so too," Garnet said smugly.

Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

"If there are any present who objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace," Alpha Trion said. Optimus Prime and Yellow Diamond glared at their respective subordinates, daring them to speak up. Nobody did. Alpha Trion waited for a moment longer just to be sure, opened his mouth…

And suddenly, laser blasts shot down from the air, striking the great Goddess statue looming over all of them and blasting divots out of the sand. The guests cried out in surprise and alarm. Most of them reflexively drew their weapons and frantically started waving them in the air, trying to figure out where the attack was coming from, while their leaders desperately tried to regain some semblance of control and form a more organized response. "What's going on?!" Greg cried.

"We're under attack!" Pearl shrieked, glancing at Steven in terror and was relieved to see that he'd already summoned his shield and was using it to cover Connie and himself.

"But from whom?" Garnet wondered.

"Yeah, who do we know who'd crash this thing that isn't here already?" Amethyst asked.

The sky shimmered, and suddenly a massive starship at least 10 or 20 times bigger than Peridot's hand-shaped vessel appeared in the air above the wedding party, hovering over them like some vast, predatory bird. It was a purple and black goliath covered in edges and points and spikes with a pair of big red glowing sensors near the front almost looking like eyes. It was so unsubtly malicious that whoever owned it clearly didn't mind advertising the fact that they were pure unadulterated evil. "Okay, I don't know whose ship that is, but I like their style," Amethyst said, awestruck by how fucking metal the ship was.

Grimlock gasped. "Wait… That's…"

"The _Nemesis_!" Jasper snarled, clenching her fists.

Grimlock blinked in surprise and looked at her. "Huh? How did you know that?"

Jasper hesitated, looking uncharacteristically fragile and uneasy. "Well…ah… Grimlock, there might be something I never got around to telling you…"

Several fighter jets launched from the upper deck of the great starship and soared down towards the party, firing lasers all the way and forcing the guests to duck for cover and return fire. Halfway down, the jets abruptly transformed in midair, each of them taking the form of a large, sharp angled, obviously-evil looking robot just before they landed on the ground. Most of them were clearly grunts, purple and black troopers with red visors for faces, and at their front were a much more dangerous-looking trio: a rather skinny and lean grey winged robot with a ridiculously long chin, red eyes, and an evil sneer on his face; a terrifying-looking dark purple and blue slender robot with large fins growing from his limbs and some kind of a screen instead of a face; and most horrifying of all, a towering silver and gray giant covered in points and spikes and horns with a cannon mounted to his right arm and a face reminiscent of a shark's, only his grin was at least 10 times as hungry and sinister. All of them had a purple angular face embossed on their chests.

"Who are _they?"_ Greg asked.

"Decepticons…enemies who may even be _worse_ than the Homeworld Gems!" Pearl whispered in horror.

"Cool," Amethyst said.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" The silver giant asked cruelly.

"It looks like a wedding to me, Lord Megatron," the big-chinned robot said with a grin.

"A wedding? And I wasn't invited?" Megatron asked, feigning upset. "How rude, Optimus! I expected better of you. Well, I suppose it's a good thing I decided to _crash the party_."

"Megatron, this wedding has nothing to do with you. Leave now, unless you want a repeat of what happened when you crashed _my_ wedding," Optimus said ominously. Several of the Autobots snickered at this.

A look of rage flickered briefly across Megatron's face, but he managed to rein his temper in… or at the very least, mask it for a little longer. "Oh, but I think this wedding has EVERYTHING to do with me, Prime… After all, one of your mechs is trying to marry _my wife_!"

Most of the guests gasped. "Wait, WHAT?!" Pearl shrieked.

"Haha, wow, this is turning into a soap opera! Awesome!" Amethyst said. "This is _finally _getting interesting!"

"What?! That's not possible!" Grimlock shouted. "Tell 'em, Jasper!" Jasper did not respond. He blinked and looked at his bride-to-be. "Jasper?"

"Well… Um… You see, the thing is…" Jasper said nervously.

"The thing is, the two of us are married, and have been for several thousand years!" Megatron bragged. "And I have proof! Show them, Soundwave!"

The eerily silent robot on Megatron's other side stepped forward. The screen that was his face flickered and suddenly displayed footage of what was clearly Megatron and Jasper standing before him in front of a large crowd of robots similar to the soldiers with them on what looked to be a battlefield littered with the corpses and weapons of thousands of dead, with an incredibly upset and jealous-looking Starscream standing on the side. "Dearly beloved," the recording of Soundwave said, sounding like he was using a recording to speak as well. "We are gathered here today to join the great-" Abruptly, his voice shifted to sound exactly like Megatron's. "Megatron, Emperor of Destruction and leader of the Decepticons, and," His voice shifted again to match Jasper's. "Jasper, mightiest warrior of the Gem race," His voice shifted back to its original setting. "In holy matrimony. Are there any present who object to this union?"

The Megatron in the footage, without even looking, pointed his cannon at Starscream and fired, blasting the other robot off his feet. "None whatsoever," he said constantly.

Soundwave fast-forwarded the recording a bit. "Megatron, do you take Jasper to be your lawfully wedded bride?" the footage Soundwave asked, his voice jumping a bit as he again spliced the voices and words of others into his speech.

"I do," Megatron said.

"Jasper, do you take Megatron to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Soundwave asked.

"I do," Jasper said.

"Then I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss," Soundwave said.

And kiss they did. A big, long, extremely passionate kiss, that went on for a really long time. "Oh, this is my favorite part. Soundwave, show it again!" Megatron ordered.

Soundwave obeyed, rewinding his recording and replaying the kiss. Again and again and again.

"Oh no…" Pearl said softly.

"… I'll give him this, he may be a horrible tyrant, but he does seem to be a pretty damn good kisser," Amethyst commented. Garnet smacked her.

"That…that doesn't mean anything… You could have easily faked that footage…" Grimlock said, not sounding as if he really believed it. He glanced at Jasper, who did not meet his optics.

"You don't believe me? Then just ask my lovely bride herself! She was there, she should know just as well as I do!" Megatron said.

"Jasper?" Grimlock asked desperately.

Jasper rubbed one arm uneasily. "… A few thousand years ago, we were invading some backwards planet and found the Decepticons had gotten there first. Naturally, we weren't exactly in the mood to share, so we got into a big fight for control of the planet's resources. I fought Megatron several times, and started to gain some respect for his battle skills and ruggedly handsome features and… Well… One thing led to another, and…"

"We made love. Several times. It was quite good. Good enough to destroy several cities, in fact," Megatron reminisced fondly. "Completely destroyed my quarters a few times, too, if I recall correctly."

Starscream shuddered. "We could hear them doing it from the other side of the ship. All the soundproofing in the GALAXY couldn't drown out those two going at it…"

"What are they talking about–" Steven started to ask.

"We'll tell you later," Pearl said desperately.

"We came to the realization that we could probably conquer and destroy a lot more civilizations by working together than we ever could on our own, so got married. It was one of the happiest days of my life," Megatron said happily.

Grimlock looked absolutely crestfallen, his Spark breaking. "Why… Why didn't you tell me?" He asked Jasper.

"I… It was a long time ago. I didn't think it mattered anymore, especially because the two of us haven't been a thing for a very, very long time," Jasper said. She glared angrily at Megatron. "Not since I caught him cheating on me with that bitch Dark Energon!"

"Baby, she meant nothing to me!" Megatron protested. "I only wanted her for her unbridled evil power! And her body, I suppose." One of the guests, a purple and black Gem covered in evil-looking spikes, burst into tears and had to be comforted by her much friendlier-looking nearly identical blue sister. "My Spark's always been yours!"

"Well, MY Spark isn't yours! It's Grimlock's now!" Jasper said, grabbing Grimlock and kissing him, much to his delight.

"Then… You still want to marry me?" Grimlock asked hopefully once they parted glossa.

"If you'll have me," Jasper said.

Grimlock whooped and pulled her into a hug. "You're the best girl I've ever met! I'm NEVER letting you go!"

Several of the guests cooed in approval. As did one of the Vehicon troops. Megatron angrily shot him. "That's so sweet," Pearl sniffed.

"It brings back so many memories," Greg said wistfully.

"We said the same thing when we decided to fuse," Garnet said fondly.

"And I thought the same thing when I first met you," Steven told Connie, causing her to blush.

"Oh, Steven," she said.

"Blechh," said a disgusted Amethyst, sticking out her tongue.

"Lars, do you feel that way about me?" Sadie, who was also a guest, asked her coworker/friend/maybe-kind-of-sort-to-hard-to-pin-down boyfriend Lars.

"… Ehhhh…" Lars said, waving his hand uncertainly. Sadie huffed and turned away from him.

"Be that as it may, you can't marry him because WE'RE still married!" Megatron said. "We never officially divorced!"

Jasper grimaced. "Oh scrap, he's right… I never did file for divorce, I just punched him in the face and left."

"Thatta girl!" Grimlock said approvingly.

"Unfortunately, Megatron has a point," Optimus spoke up. "Grimlock, she can't marry you so long as she is married to Megatron. It's against the law."

Grimlock frowned. "Well, how long would it take to get a divorce and make it all nice and legal, then?"

"Well, given the current state of Cybertron's bureaucracy what with the war and all… It's really hard to say," Optimus admitted. "Even at the best of times, it could sometimes take millennia for anything to go through."

"And people wonder why so many of us chose to rebel…" Starscream grunted.

A Vehicon nodded. "The last straw for me was when they revoked my flight license for flying in a no-flight zone by accident and I had to go to the DMV to get a new one, and after waiting in line for what might have been YEARS and filling out thirteen copies of every form they gave me, they rejected me because I didn't finish everything until one second after closing time, and told me I'd have to go through the entire process again tomorrow. The happiest moment of my life was when I burned that place to the ground…" The other Vehicons and even several of the Autobots nodded in sympathy, as did many of the humans who had suffered a similar experience.

"And even if you filed for divorce, it would mean nothing, because you need signatories from _both_ parties for it to go through!" Megatron said triumphantly. "And I have no intention of divorcing Jasper!"

"Well, damn. What we do now?" Asked Grimlock.

"We could kill him. I'm pretty sure that our marriage is only binding if he's still alive," Jasper suggested.

"Ooh, I like that idea!" Grimlock said.

"Do you two really want to turn your wedding into a bloodbath?" Optimus asked. They stared at him blankly. He sighed. "Right, stupid question."

"I may be able to provide an alternative solution," Alpha Trion spoke up, flipping through the pages of the Covenant of Primus (the original copy) and making a few changes here and there with his sacred Quill. "Let's see… There. I just annulled the wedding between Megatron and Jasper. Grimlock, you are free to wed Jasper now."

"YES!" Grimlock and Jasper cheered.

"NO!" Megatron howled. "You can't do that!"

"I am Alpha Trion, one of the Original 13 Transformers. I'm pretty sure I can, and just did," Alpha Trion said smugly.

Megatron snarled, his cannon powering up with a whine. "Then I'll just have to take her back by force so we can get remarried whether she likes it or not, and kill everyone who gets in my way! Decepticons, attack! But be sure to leave Grimlock, Prime, and my once and future bride to me!"

"Like the Pit you will!" Grimlock roared, raising his blazing sword. "Autobots, roll out!"

"… That's MY line," Optimus complained.

"Gems, destroy them!" Jasper roared. Yellow Diamond glared at her. Jasper laughed nervously, and said, "With, ah, permission from Yellow Diamond, of course." Yellow Diamond nodded. Jasper sighed in relief.

"Does that include us?" Pearl asked uncertainly.

Garnet shrugged. "I don't see why not," she said.

Amethyst laughed ecstatically and started flailing her whip around. "Awesome! Finally, some action! Best wedding ever!"

The three armies of Autobots, Gems, and Decepticons charged together, a great battle ensuing. The puny and helpless human guests ran for their frightened little lives, desperately struggling to keep from getting caught underfoot amidst the clash of titans.

"Steven, when you invited me to a giant alien robot wedding, I expected SOMETHING weird to happen, but I didn't expect anything like THIS," Connie said, gesturing at the massive battle taking place before their young eyes.

Stephen nodded. "Yeah, this is new for me too."

"Reminds me of my wedding, actually," Greg said, coming up to stand next to them.

"Really?" Steven asked.

Greg nodded. "Yeah, just before Rose and I were able to kiss, a giant 12-eyed cross between a pterodactyl and a rutabaga crashed through the chapel window and ate the priest. It was pretty wild." He sighed wistfully. "Those were the days."

"… Huh," Connie said.

Steven frowned. "Mr. Alpha Trion Sir, are ALL giant alien robot weddings this crazy?"

The venerable elder glanced up from the Covenant, which he had been eagerly writing notes in pertaining to the great battle. "In my experience, yes. Slag, if you think THIS is bad, you should've seen what happened when Megatronus and Solus tried to tie the knot… And the brawl at Elita-One and Optimus's wedding is the stuff of legends as well. Yours and Connie's shall be no different, young Steven."

"Oh, okay," Steven said. There was a pause, and then he and Connie both shouted, "WAIT, WHAT?!"

"Whoops," Alpha Trion said, embarrassed. "I was not supposed to say that."

"Yes! Called it!" Greg whooped. "Fryman owes me free fries for life! Thanks, Alpha Trion!"

"You are most welcome, Greg," Alpha Trion said, abashed.

"Ooh, can I have the bits?" Steven asked as the same time as an incredulous Connie screeched, "You BET on whether or not Steven and I would get married?!"

Alpha Trion smiled in amusement as Greg tried to defend himself from the irate and embarrassed Connie. _Humans. Always so entertaining. It's no wonder so many of our kind seem to grow so fond of you…_

Elsewhere…

"I can't believe this is happening," Ronaldo complained as he stared forlornly out the barred window of his padded cell at the massive giant alien robot battle occurring on the beach some distance away. "A giant alien invasion, an event I've been expecting and preparing for all my life is finally happening… And I'm missing out on the whole thing because I'm stuck in here! How could they possibly believe I'm crazy?! I'm the sanest person I know!"

"I know, honey," Koala Princess, Ronaldo's girlfriend which only he could see or hear or speak to, said sympathetically. "It's so unfair that a genius of your caliber is constantly misunderstood and discriminated against!"

"It's the sneeple… I'm sure of it! They're in league with the polymorphic sentient rocks! They're trying to frame me, to silence me, to make me look bad and discredit me because I am the only man who knows the truth!" Ronaldo declared dramatically.

"Oh, Ronaldo!" Koala Princess swooned. "You're so handsome and brave and brilliant!"

"Go, Ronaldo!" Said Ronaldo's hobosona, Ronaldo Bindleberry. "Free yourself from this cell! Only you can save the world!"

"YES!" Ronaldo declared. "No prison can hold me! PSYCHIC GHOST POWERS... ACTIVATE! _Yusica-bababa-Yusica-bababa-YUSICA-BABABA-YUSICA-BABABA!"_

Chanting absolute nonsense, he charged the door to his cell…

And predictably, knocked himself out.

Two orderlies who'd been passing by in the hallway outside heard the impact of Ronaldo slamming his head into his cell door hard enough to possibly concuss himself and shook their heads. "What a nutcase," one of them said.

"You shouldn't say that about the patients," his friend said. "You could get in big trouble if one of the doctors hears you saying that!"

"I know, I know," the first orderly said. "But you have to admit, he _is_ kind of a nutcase."

"Yeah, I guess so," the second admitted. "And what's he got against us polymorphic sentient rocks, anyway? What'd we ever do him?"

The other orderly nodded. "And I find his term for my people horribly offensive. Our proper name is 'ophidia,' _not _'sneeple.'"

His friend snorted. "Humans. Weirdos, the lot of them."

"I hear ya," the disguised snake-person/ophidian said, fist-bumping his partner.

They continued on their way, chatting about their personal lives and their relationships and what they saw on TV last night and certainly _not _about any conspiracy to wipe out mankind and take over the world, for there wasn't any and never had been. Silly Ronaldo. Conspiracy theorists are such whackjobs, amirite?


End file.
